REDNECK ETIQUETTE

 DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if
 the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

 When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
 largest tires always has the right of way.

 Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

 When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
 it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

 Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
 especially while driving.

 Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your
 kids can fit in.

 Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
 procession.


 PERSONAL HYGIENE
 Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be
 a hand-me-down item.

 If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
 sheets.

 While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
 that should be done in private using one's OWN truck
 keys.

 Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
 A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can
 accomplish the same goal and save hours.  Note: It's a
 good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
 this method. 


 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
 prepared by a taxidermist.

 Do not allow the dog to eat at the table....
 no matter how good his manners are.

 If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have
 the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. 


 DATING (Outside the Family)
 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on
 the first date. 

 Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested:
 "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read
 that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

 If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a
 bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are
 good that the date will end in frustration.


 THEATER ETIQUETTE
 Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked
 up immediately after the movie has ended.

 Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
 Tests have proven they can't hear you.


 WEDDINGS
 Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a
 wedding.

 When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter
 how hot it is.

 A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost
 effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

 For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit
 with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
 a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to
 socks and shoes for this special occasion.


 TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they
 press charges.

 Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
 them.

 Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone
 else's car.

 It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

 Even if you're certain that you are included in the
 will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
 funeral home.

 The socially refined never fish coins out of public
 toilets, especially if other people are around.

 Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
____________________________

Dave Reason, USA Ret.
Benton, KY 42025
ICQ #2709200