Jewish Jokes

5759 Year according to Jewish calendar; 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar;
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.


What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
"Is anything all right?"
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Oh, don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf! "
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water" and you have to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
"I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
You've heard about the big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

A Jewish Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar and announces that his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 20 pounds which even for a Texan is atypical. Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the Texas baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is he doing? What does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender is both puzzled and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is it he lost so much weight?"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had the bris."
One Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday morning?"
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00..."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"