No cure for these Computer Viruses

  • AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
  • BILL CLINTON virus #1: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
  • BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
  • LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
  • RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
  • JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
  • MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
  • OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
  • JACK KEVORKIAN virus #1: deletes all old files.
  • PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
  • JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
  • ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
  • LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
  • AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  • MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
  • PAUL REVERE virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:\
  • POLITICALLY CORRECT virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  • RIGHT TO LIFE virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
  • ROSS PEROT virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
  • MARIO CUOMO virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
  • TED TURNER virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
  • GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  • NEW WORLD ORDER virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
  • FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
  • GALLUP virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
  • TEXAS virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
  • ADAM AND EVE virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
  • CONGRESSIONAL virus #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
  • CONGRESSIONAL virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
  • AIRLINE virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
  • FREUDIAN virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
  • PBS virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
  • ELVIS virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
  • BILL CLINTON virus #2: When lost data is found on your hard drive, it claims it doesn't know how it got there.
  • SEARS virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
  • JIMMY HOFFA virus: Your programs can never be found again.
  • JACK KEVORKIAN virus #2: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
  • IMELDA MARCOS virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
  • STAR TREK virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
  • HEALTH CARE virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
  • GEORGE BUSH virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
  • NEW YORK JETS virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
  • LAPD virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
  • CHICAGO CUBS virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
  • ORAL ROBERTS virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
  • O.J. virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.