Henny Youngman Lines


 I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every
 finds out, she'll kill me!
 
 My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
 week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... 
 She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 
 Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
 thief spends less than my wife did.
 
 I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
 
 We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 
 My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding 
 night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 
 My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife 
 called it the Dead Sea.
 
 She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
 estimate.
 
 She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
 off.
 
 I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
 confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
 hungry.
 
 The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
 bill, so he gave him another six months.
 
 The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
 back."Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
 
 A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought
 here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
 I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
 
 A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" 
 He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
 
 A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, 
 "You should force yourself!"
 
 Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him
 "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
 
 There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, 
 I let her out.
 
 My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
 
 She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
 
 Why do divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
 
 Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
 
 A car hit a man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" 
 The man says, "I make a good living."
 
 2 women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in
 Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
 
 A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman
 says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend 
 over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man
 says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
 
 A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz,
 Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.
 Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr.
 Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a
 week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf 
 today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
 
 A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put
 my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day,
 the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the
 way, you have a nice house!"
 
 In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. 
 I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going
 up!"
 
 Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
 
 A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes 
 love, the garage door goes up.
 
 I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
 airport.
 
 I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
 work he's out of.